WartyHogs School for Magic and Catastrophe
by SlytherClaw3942
Summary: A parody play of our favorite story? Why not! Enjoy a humorous take on Hairy Popper's first year at Hogwarts. Yes that name is correct. This play was performed on stage at a community theatre camp for children.


_**WARTY HOGS SCHOOL FOR MAGIC AND CATASTROPHE  
**_ _Written by SlytherClaw3942_

 **CHARACTERS**

Magical Flight Attendant  
Headmaster GREY  
Moldywort  
Hairy Popper  
Sean Weasel  
Tremble Bottomlong  
Germione Ranger  
Professor Squirrel  
Ogoyle  
Crabby  
Mako Dalfoy  
Professor Jerkface  
Ramus Binnigan  
Tommy Dean  
Captain Magic  
Professor Little  
John Popper  
Lila Popper  
Gossiping Girl 1  
Gossiping Girl 2  
Coach Hawk (can be a boy or girl but must be tough as nails)

 **SCENES**

PROLOGUE: THE BEGINNING

SCENE 1: ALL ABOARD THE WARTY HOGS AIRLINE

SCENE 2: CLANS AND INTRODUCTIONS

SCENE 3: CLASS WITH JERQFACE

SCENE 4: CHARMED BEHAVIOR

SCENE 5: TROLLED ON HALLOWEEN **(may insert intermission after this scene)**

SCENE 6: EXTREME BROOMSTICKS TRYOUTS

SCENE 7: SECRETS REVEALED AND MORE SERCRETS TO UNCOVER

SCENE 8: CHRISTMAS TIME AT WARTYHOGS

SCENE 9: PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

SCENE 10: CATCHING THE SQUIREL

 **PROLOGUE: THE BEGINNING…**

( _before lights come on we hear a bang and the sound of furniture falling and something breaking. Lights come up dim and the curtain opens to reveal a nursery with furniture overturned and broken apparel Two people, a husband and wife, run on with their infant child)_

 **John Popper** : ( _catching his breath and looking behind him, then to his wife_ ) He'll be here any minute Lila… I'll try and hold him off

 **Lila Popper** : Not without me you won't!.

 **John Popper** : Lila, you have to protect the baby

 **Lila Popper** : But John… ( _more bangs offstage)_

 **John Popper** : `We've no time to discuss the matter Lila!

 **Lila Popper** : ( _in_ tears) You'll die John!

John Popper: I might… but I have to try… for both you and Hairy. ( _taking her_ hands) I've loved you since the moment I set my eyes on you, and nothing will ever change that ( _huge bang offstage now_ ). I have to go… hide now ( _runs off stage_ )

 **Lila Popper** : ( _calling after him_ ) John… ( _a thud is heard offstage_ ) JOHN! ( _covers her mouth grabs Hairy and attempts to hide_ )

( _we hear footsteps approach from offstage and a cloaked figure enters. The figure is slow to look around and eventually spots the hiding place. The figure tosses aside the furniture to reveal Lila Popper blocking her child. The figure gestures for her to get out of the way but she refuses to move. With a simple wave of the wand from the figure, Lila drops to the floor dead. The figure then raises his wand towards the child. The lights flash and thunder booms as we hear a blood-curling scream from the figure as the curtains close and lights come up on apron right with Headmaster Grey standing there sobbing_ )

 **Headmaster Grey:** Sorry about that. Thinking about that night always puts me in a sorry state. Best get rid of this. ( _blows nose into a handkerchief and throws tosses it behind the apron curtain_ ) That's better. My name is Grey, and I am Headmaster at Warty Hogs School for Magic and Catastrophe; An institution that educates young wizards and witches in the magical arts. Many of you have come here today thinking you know everything there is to know about a certain young wizard and his adventures, but I am here to set the record straight. Keep your eyes and ears open, and you may find yourself learning a thing or two. Skipping past some nonessentials, we find that our journey truly begins 10 years later, at Gate 3 and 9/4 ( _he points to the opposite side of the stage and lights die on the Headmaster_ ).

 **SCENE 1: ALL ABOARD THE WARTY HOGS AIRLINE**

( _At the top of the scene a single light comes up revealing a flight attendant and a pedestal_ )

 **Magical Flight Attendant** : Last call for Gate 3 and 9/4 Last call for Gate 3 and 9/4

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _enters the stage in a rush with a carry on bag and approaches the flight attendant breathing heavily from exhaustion_ ) Wait for me!

 **Magical Flight Attendant** : ( _talking into her wand like a walki-talki)_ Security be advised we have a suspicious character in need of a shave and a serious haircut running towards the gate. Can I help you young man?

 **Hairy Popper** : Wait what... I mean… never mind. Has the plane left the gate yet?

 **Magical Flight Attendant** : No you just made it. What took you so long lad?

 **Hairy Popper** : Well I tried to show my ticket to a TSA agent and so they pulled me aside and did a full body scan. Then they brought in the dogs to see if they could…

 **Magical Flight Attendant** : That's quite enough young man I get the picture. Ticket please.

 **Hairy Popper:** ( _Hairy digs around his pockets pulling out random things like a comb and hair product until he finally procures the ticket_ ) Here you go.

 **Magical Flight Attendant** : Hairy Popper. Ok Mr. Popper you will be sitting in row F with the other freshmen. Enjoy your flight. ( _Hairy takes his ticket and exits_ ) Hairy Popper… Hmm.. I swear that name is familiar. Lets see… ( _Sudden realization hits her face but lights go black on her as curtains open and lights come up to reveal people sitting in the aircraft. Hairy enters to see another boy being bullied)._

 **Crabby** : ( _holding a box with a lizard above his head.)_ What's wrong Bottomlong? Lose something? ( _Tosses the box to his fiendish partner Crabby_ )

 **Ogoyle** : Me thinks he did.

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : ( _Jumping up and down trying to reach_ it) Please, give it back, it was a gift from my grandfather.

 **Mako Dalfoy** : Crabby, Ogoyle, having a bit of fun with bottomlong are you? That buffoon is hardly worth our time. ( _To Neville_ ) Thanks to our parents we're first class, and can't afford to hang around with riff raff like you.

 **Ogoyle** : ( _as the group exits to first class he trips bottomlong and they exit laughing after Ogoyle's line_ ) Ogoyle Rules!

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _Running to Tremble to help him up_ ) Are you ok?

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : Don't worry about me, I'm used to it.

 **Hairy Popper** : Who are they?

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : That's Mako Dalfoy and his goons Crabby and Ogoyle. They think they're better then everyone because they're blue bloods.

 **Hairy Popper** : blue bloods? Their blood isn't red?

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : ( _laughs)_ No. It means both of their parents are magical. (Pause) You're not from around here are you.

 **Hairy Popper** : No I'm not.

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : I'm Tremble Bottomlong, nice to meet you.

 **Hairy Popper** : I'm… ( _Just before he says the name we here the intercom sound signaling the students to take their seats._ )

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : Well time to get to our seats, nice meeting you.

 **Hairy Popper** : You too. ( _Goes to his seat. Just as he sits we see another student enter from off right aka the lavatory_ )

 **Sean Weasal** : Ahh, much better. ( _To the stewardess_ ) I wouldn't go in there for a while if I were you. ( _walks to Hairy Popper's row_ ) Oy there, mind scooting over a seat.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _scooting over_ ) Oh, not at all.

 **Sean Weasal** : ( _sitting down and offering his hand_ ) Thanks mate! I'm Sean Weasel.

 **Hairy Popper** : I'm Hairy. Hairy Popper.

 **Sean Weasal** : ( _shouting and_ excited) HAIRY POPPER!

 **Nearby Students** : ( _looking towards Hairy_ ) HAIRY POPPER!

 **All Students** : ( _looking towards Hairy_ ) HAIRY POPPER!

 **Captain Magic** : ( _as he enters everyone is staring at Hairy and whispering_ ) Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, I am Captain Magic and I will be your captain during this flight. We will be flying speeds up to 100,000 miles per hour, so please keep your hands and feet in your seat at all times. All wands, pets, and humorous magical mechanisms should be stowed safely above you. On behalf of The Wartyhogs School for Havoc and Hocus-pocus, and the staff of this vessel, welcome aboard.

 **Sean Weasel** : Blimey, me sitting next to Hairy Popper, I can't believe it.

 **Hairy Popper** : Why is everyone so surprised? Is my name funny or something?

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _surprised_ ) You don't know? Dude your…

 **Germione Ranger** : ( _Interrupting_ ) Hairy Popper! You're the boy who's alive.

 **Hairy Popper** : Yeah, aren't you?

 **Germione Ranger** : Sorry, I mean the boy who almost and should have certainly but somehow didn't die!

 **Hairy Popper** : I know, I know, the boating accident. Wait, who are you and how do you know that?

 **Germione Ranger** : I'm Germione Ranger. ( _To_ Sean) And you are?

 **Sean Weasel** : Um, I'm Sean Weasel.

 **Germione Ranger** : Pleasure. ( _Back to Hairy_ ) Everyone knows about you and your story Hairy.

 **Hairy Popper** : I have a story?

 **Germione Ranger** : Of course! Many years ago… ( _Plane takes off and students lurch_ forward) Oh it looks like we have taken off. I better get back to my seat. Enjoy the flight boys.

 **Hairy Popper** : Wait… ( _sighs_ ) bye.

 **Sean Weasel** : She sure seems like a know it all. Don't worry about it Hairy. I'll tell you all about what happened later.

 **Hairy Popper** : Why not now?

 **Sean Weasel** : Because we're already here.

 **Hairy Popper** : What!?

 **Captain Magic:** Ladies and gentlemen. We have now arrived at The WartyHogs School For Havoc and HocusPocus. Please remember to secure your luggage and watch your step as you exit the plane. On behalf of us all here, thank you for flying Broomstick airlines, and have a great school year!

 **Hairy Popper** : That sure was fast. Getting used to this magic stuff sure is gonna take a while.

 **Sean Weasel** : Well I can help with that Hairy.

 **Hairy Popper** : Thanks Sean! And hellooooooo WARTY HOGS! ( _Blackout_ )

 **END OF SCENE 1**

 **SCENE 2: CLANS AND INTRODUCTIONS**

( _lights come up and the students enter from off left in front of the arch. Many students are already on stage talking and such and Dumbledore is among them stage center)_

 **Headmaster Grey** : So young Hairy found his way to Warty Hogs, making a friend along the way. As you probably noticed, magic was a new concept for Hairy, and he was eager to learn more about what would be in store for him here in this vast castle. Ah there he is now ( _Hairy enters with Sean)_. Yours truly is about to enter the story so I best be leaving ( _exits through center curtain_ ).

Hairy **Popper** : Woah… so this is Warty Hogs.

 **Sean Weasel** : It's so huge!

 **Germione Ranger** : ( _running on and coming between them_ ) Did you know there used to be hundreds of floating candles around the ceiling of the great hall.

 **Sean Weasel** : No we didn't, because we're not…

 **Germione Ranger** : ( _interrupting him mid-sentence_ ) Well I did. I read it in A History of Warty Hogs. Apparently, they were removed after an incident involving a lot of melted hot wax, and some less than happy parents. See you around. ( _Rushes off to her place in the sorting line_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : Will that girl ever leave us alone?

 **Hairy Popper** : I think we have bigger problems than that/.

 **Sean Weasel** : You think so?

 **Hairy Popper** : Yeah much bigger ( _looking Crabby and Ogoyle who are behind Sean like two towers_ )

 **Ogoyle** : ( _shoving Sean_ ) Out of the way nerd!

 **Sean Weasel** : Oi, who are you lot supposed to be?

 **Mako Dalfoy** : ( _coming on from off stage and through Crabby and Ogoyle_ ) Crabby, Ogoyle, what has you two stopped this time? ( _notices hairy_ ) Oh… So the rumors are true then, Hairy Popper has come to Warty Hogs. I'm Mako Dalfoy ( _Sean laughs_ ), ( _Noticing Sean weasel_ ) Think my name is funny do you. Ginger like features and poor people clothes, you must be a weasel. ( _back to Hairy_ ) You'll soon find out that some wizards are better than others, I can help you there ( _offers his hand to Hairy to shake_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : Thanks, but I think I can help myself ( _staring at Mako and not taking his hand_ )

 **Mako Dalfoy** : Why you little ( _drawing his wand_ _interrupted by professor coming through_ )

 **Professor Cat Lady** : ( _entering and stepping between them_ ) Children! Fighting and any such foolery will not be permitted at Warty Hogs! Behavior yourselves or you will be back on the plane before you can say Extreme Broomstick. ( _pause and a deep breathe_ ) We're ready for you now.

( _curtains open revealing a room with 4 long tables with benches and a long table in the back with a pedestal up center. Students and faculty are already in position when the lights are up. Professor Cat Lady sits the students down on a bench in the center)_

 **Ramus Binnigan** : Blimey what a set up.

 **Tommy Dean** : Yeah, no kidding!

 **Hairy Popper** : What now Sean?

 **Sean Weasel** : Well Hairy, the first thing you do at Warty Hogs is get placed into one of the four clans.

 **Hairy Popper** : Does it hurt?

 **Sean Weasel** : To be honest I don't know. My brothers used to go here and they said it does, but I think they were messing around

 **Professor Cat Lady** : ( _addressing the whole crowd from up stage podium_ ) Attention! New students please take a seat in the front there. Welcome, all of you to Warty Hogs. My name is Professor Cat Lady and I am the deputy headmistress here at Warty Hogs. Before we commence with the opening feast, the new students must be placed into their respective clans. Now can anyone tell me the names of the four clans? ( _germione's hand shoots up very fast_ ) Yes miss…

 **Germione Ranger** : Ranger professor. The four clans are Flipping-Floor, JigglyPuff, Raving-Maw, and Sizzler.

 **Professor Cat Lady:** Excellent job Miss Ranger.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _under his breath_ ) Know it all.

 **Professor Cat Lady** : While you are here at Warty Hogs your clan will be like your family. Your triumphs will earn your clan points, while any rule breaking will lose points. At the end of the year the clan with the most points will be proclaimed clan of the year.

 **Ramus Binnigan** : Wicked!

 **Professor Cat Lady** : Now, when I call your name you will approach the bench and grab the placement gavel ( _Cat Lady procures a scrolls with a list if names, while_ _another professor brings out the Gavel_ ), The gavel will judge your qualities and place you in your clan.

 **Sean Weasel** : A placement gavel… my brothers talked about giant spiders, trolls, and a demented singing hat!

 **Professor Cat Lady** : Bonny Susana.

 **Placement Gavel** : Well let's see here. Right then. Another usual suspect eh. Best be… JIGLLYPUFF ( _applause from students at JIGGLYPUFF table and professors_ )

 **Professor Cat Lady** : Germione Ranger.

 **Placement Gavel** : ( _deliberates a_ while) Very intelligent, but there's something more… FLIPPIN-FLOOR ( _Applause from flipping-floor table and professor_ )

 **Professor Cat Lady** : Mako Dalfoy

 **Placement Gavel** : ( _right when he grabs it)_ SIZZLER! ( _applause from students at Sizzler table and professors_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : Figures…

 **Hairy Popper** : What figures?

( _Lights change to focus on Sean and Hairy. As they talk we can still see students getting up and being sorted into their respective clans. Likewise, we see reactions from professors and students though all of these are completely silent.)_

 **Sean Weasel** : As evident of that git ( _gesturing towards Mako_ ) Sizzler tends to attract blue blood jerks, who think they're better than everyone else.

 **Hairy Popper** : They can't all be that bad.

 **Sean Weasel** : They are Hairy. Not all wizards and witches turn out good. Some turn out really bad, and most of them come out of Sizzler.

 **Hairy Popper** : Really?

 **Sean Weasel** : Yeah. . In fact, they say that you-know-who was in Sizzler when he went here.

 **Hairy Popper** : Um no I don't know who…

 **Sean Weasel** : Blimey Hairy, don't tell me you don't know who you know who is. ( _Hairy shakes his head_ ) You-know-who is the wizard who… ( _lights come back up_ )

 **Professor Cat Lady** : Sean Weasel.

 **Sean Weasel** : Well, guess I'm up mate.

 **Hairy Popper** : You've got to be kidding me. ( _Ron shrugs and walks to the gavel table._ )

 **Placement Gavel** : Another Weasel eh, I know just what to do with you. FLIPPIN-FLOOR! ( _applause from Flipping-Floor table and professors_ )

 **Professor Cat Lady** : Hairy Popper. ( _instant silence and whispers start to occur as everyone stairs at Hairy, who slowly approaches the Placement gavel_ )

 **Placement Gavel** : Ahh very nice. There's plenty of courage, but also a thirst to prove yourself.

 **Hairy Popper** : Oh My Wizard God please not sizzler, not sizzler!

 **Placement Gavel** : Not sizzler eh. Sizzler can make you great though ( _Hairy still chanting not sizzler_ ) Well if your sure… better be FLIPPIN-FLOOR! ( _applause from FLIPPIN-FLOOR and professors_ _as hairy goes to sit_ )

 **Professor Cat Lady** : ( _rolling up her list_ ) Now that the clan placement has ended, I'm sure everyone would like to commence with the great feast. But before that the Headmaster would like to say a few words. Allow me to introduce, Headmaster The Grey ( _the Grey walks up to the podium and eyes the students suspiciously before he finally speaks_ )

 **Headmaster Grey** : YOU SHALL NOT PASS! ( _new students gasp while older students feign smiles_ ) Kidding of course. Should you apply yourselves, I'm sure you will all perform admirably. Please take care while you are here, and stay within bounds at all times. I especially urge you to stay away from the third-floor corridor, unless of course you wish to perish in a slow agonizing death ( _pauses and looks_ around) But I dare say, do not be afraid to enjoy these precious moments you have here at WARTY HOGS. They are fleeting and won't last forever. ( _pauses again and then smiles_ ) Without further adieu, dig-in. ( _applause from students as they begin to dig-in_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : Well that sure was ominous.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _mouth full of food from stuffing himself so line is gargled_ ) What?

 **Hairy Popper** : Never mind. ( _Hairy looks around the hall and sees Jerqface staring at him and another professor with a turban with his back to him. He turns to Tremble who is_ nearby) Hey Tremble, who are those professors and why is one of them checking me out?

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : ( _chuckling at the joke_ ) The one with the turban/big-hat ( **director's choice** ) is Professor Squirrel. The other one Is Professor Jerqface, and he is the head of Sizzler. From what I hear, he pretty much hates everyone who isn't in Sizzler. ( _Hairy nods and turns back to Sean who has his mouth full_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : So when you going to tell me about this you-know-who guy?

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _still has food in his mouth and swallows_ ) Later Hairy, later. Food ( _yawns_ ) and sleep, comes first.

 **Hairy** **Popper** : ( _looks at Sean's stuffed face and laughs_ ) Well alright then. ( _blackout and immediate set change to classroom_ )

 **END OF SCENE 2**

 **SCENE 3: CLASS WITH JERQFACE**

 _(Lights come up revealing the students in a potions classroom chatting amongst each other. Benches are slanted dr towards up left)_

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _to Hairy Popper as they are sitting down_ ) Ready for your first class mate.

 **Hairy Popper** : Yeah I guess.

 **Ramus Binnigan** : _(from behind Hairy and_ Sean) Too bad it's with Jerqface though.

 **Tommy Dean** : Yeah, I heard he's a real nasty piece of work that Jerqface.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _in a sickly manner_ ) Too right!

 **Germione Ranger** : ( _horrified)_ How can you show so little respect for a professor and call him Jerkface! You haven't even met him yet.

 **Hairy Popper** : Yeah I was kind of wondering the same thing. What's so bad about this guy?

 **Sean Weasel** : First of all, his name is Jerqface. Secondly, the git is a Jerqface, and lastly, butt out Ranger, nobody asked you anyway ( _Ranger humps'_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _laughing)_ His name is actually Jerqface ( _Jerqface walks in behind Hairy_ ) Man what a…

 **Professor Jerqface** : Yes Mr. Popper ( _frightening Hairy_ )?

Hairy Popper: Nothing sir. Sorry sir.

 **Professor Jerqface** : ( _glaring at Hairy_ ) Indeed! ( _walks to the front of the class_ ) No doubt many of you will be nothing more than the usual dunderheads that frequent my classroom ( _smirks at Hairy and pauses_ ) but for those select few who possess the proper disposition for the noble art of Potion making, I can teach you how to brew glory, stop death, bottle fame, and many other things. ( _Turns to Hairy_ ) Tell me Mr. Popper, what would I get if I combined deadleaf and wolf's breath?

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _germione raises hand but is ignored_ ) Um I don't know sir.

 **Professor Jerqface** : Tut tut well lets try again. Where would you look if I asked you to locate a Geezor?

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _germione strains hand even more and is still ignored_ ) I still don't know sir.

 **Professor Jerqface** : And what is the difference between slither and Tynole?

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _germione strains to raise hand so much she falls out of her seat but is ignored_ ) Why are you asking me these questions when I have no idea what the answer is?

 **Professor Jerqface:** ( _ignoring Hairy's_ question) Deadleaf and wolf's breath are both ingredients of a concoction known as Death's Ire, A geezor can be found in the stomach of a wizard about the age of 150, and slither and tynole are both names for a plant with restorative properties. Twenty points from Flipping-floor for your cheek. Clearly fame doesn't guarantee a brain does it Mr. Popper? ( _To the rest of the class_ ) You will each write an essay concerning the properties of Death's Ire, a Geezor, and Slither also known as Tynole to be handed in next class. You are dismissed! ( _exits the stage_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _while other students begin packing up and leaving, Hairy is looking at where Jerqface left)_ That guy is such a.. such a…

 **Sean Weasel** : Jerqface?

 **Hairy Popper** : Yes!

 **Ramus Binnigan** : _(as he is packing_ up) Don't worry about it Hairy. You only have to see his Jerkiness once a week anyways. Besides, I heard there are extreme broomstick tryouts coming up soon for the clan's team.

 **Hairy Popper** : Extreme Broomstick?

 **Tommy Dean** : Yeah it wicked Hairy! 7 players on opposing teams fly in the air on broomsticks and basically beat the snot out of each other. 3 players focus on scoring goals, 2 players whack giant metal balls at the other team, 1 player defends the goals, and the last player goes after a ball that when caught basically wins the game and makes the rest of it pointless.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _lighting_ up) You mean flying brooms are real!

 **Sean Weasel** : Of course they are mate and your going to love it.

 **Hairy Popper** : I can't wait!

 **END OF SCENE 3**

 **SCENE 4: CHARMED BHEAVIOR**

( _Lights come up revealing students in a classroom, being taught by a professor. Professor Grey is on stage watching the class and begins narrating from drc)_

 **Professor Grey** : ( _sees audience focus on him as he stares at the classroom and then turns to_ them) Hello again everyone. I apologize for my lack of attentiveness but I have always enjoyed watching the bright and curious faces of new students in their first few classes. Speaking of bright new students, young Mr. Popper was firmly enjoying his time here at Warty Hogs, even if he did have to deal with problems like young Mako Dalfoy and Professor Jerqface, the latter of which I hired and personally know that his name is indeed appropriate ( _chuckles_ ). Now, today we rejoin Hairy and his friend Sean as they arrive late for their Charm's lesson. Little did they know that their actions today would set them on course for a life long friendship with someone they would never have expected. For those of you who haven't read those preposterous books, I will not spoil the surprise. ( _Grey smiles and exits through the curtain as_ _Sean and Hairy rush on from the green room exhausted and Sean starts panting._ )

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _in a breathing hard way_ ) Come on Sean, we're already late.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _in a sickly manner_ ) Hairy slow down, I think I'm gonna be sick. ( _sticks head into dl curtain and pukes off stage_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : Well that's what you get for eating so much last night and this morning at breakfast. Now lets get going ( _Grabs Sean's arm and drags him into the classroom_ )

 **Mako Dalfoy** : ( _notices them run on and talks to his goons_ ) Look boys, it's famous Hairy Popper and his pet weasel. ( _They laugh and the Professor, who is quite small but with a long grey beard intervenes_ )

 **Professor Little** : That's quite enough Mr. Dalfoy. You boys are late though, and that cannot go without its consequences.

 **Sean Weasel** : But professor ( _then turns sick again and pukes into a nearby student's back pack._ )

 **Professor Little** : ( _casually flicks his wand towards Sean_ ) That should cure you of your ailments Mr. Weasel. Nonetheless, I am taking 10 points from Flipping-Floor for your tardiness. ( _to Hairy_ ) And Mr. Popper, you might consider a shave young man. ( _Boys take their seats and the professor returns to his desk_ ) Now where were we…

 **Germione Ranger** : We were discussing the floating spell Professor.

 **Professor Little** : Ah yes. Thank you Miss Ranger. Now, the floating spell is quite rudimentary compared to other magics, but it provides a great foundation and is quite useful when put into practice. Every spell requires a phrase or incantation. Does anyone happen to know the phrase for the flotation spell ( _blank stares except for Germione whose hand goes up right away_ ) Yes Miss Ranger?

 **Germione Ranger** : The proper term is Soarificus Windoso professor.

 **Professor Little** : Correct. 10 points to Flipping-Floor! In addition to the incantation, one must apply the proper wand movement. Wands out please. Now, follow along and move your wand in a circular motion. That's it. Now go ahead and try levitating the books in front of you. I will walk around the room and observe.

( _Students begin practicing the incantation. Tremble is seen doing it over and over as is the rest of the gang. The scene focuses on Sean, Germione, and Hairy_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : Soarificus Windaso, Soarificus Windaso, Soarificus Windaso _(gets more frustrated in voice and movement each time and eventually just starts shaking his wand at it really hard_ , _promoting Germione to intervene_ )

 **Germione Ranger** : Stop, stop, stop. You're going to take someone's eye out with that silly wand waving. Besides, it Windoso, not Windaso.

 **Sean Weasel** : Alright then, if you're so smart, you do it. _(Germione then prepares to do it._ )

 **Germione Ranger** : Soarificus windoso ( _she points her wand at the book and_ _it starts to levitate either with rigging or black clothed person who runs on and makes magic sounds while carrying it._ )

 **Professor Little** : Excellent work! See here everyone, Miss Ranger has done it! ( _students look in awe and talk to each other about it, while Sean is stone faced_ angry) That's enough for today students. For homework, I want one foot of parchment on the properties of the levitation charm, to be handed in next time. Class dismissed.

( _students pack up and leave heading through center curtain off right and left. Hairy, Tremble and Sean are heading off left towards green room and begin chatting. Curtain closes as they pass arch and scence change adjusts back to Great Hall. They don't know that Germione is behind them_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _to Hairy and Tremble_ ) Stupid little know it all thinks she's special. It's no wonder she hasn't any friends. _(a teary Germione pushes by them and runs off left, leaving the group standing there_ ).

 **Hairy Popper** : I think she heard you Sean…

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _kind of uncomfortable almost_ regret) Uhh… Who cares. Lets get something to eat! I'm starving! ( _they all exit at the greenroom and lights go black_ )

 **END OF SCENE 4**

 **SCENE 5: TROLLED ON HALLOWEEN**

( _curtains opens revealing the Great Hall set again. Students and teachers are already seated and chatting away. Hairy and Sean are eating as they hear whispers regarding to Germione's absence. We also hear the occasional wail from Germione Offstage_ )

 **Female Student 1** : ( _gossipy_ voice) I heard she's been balling her eyes out in the bathroom all day!

 **Female Student 2** : ( _laughing along_ ) serves her right for being such a know-it-all. Hopefully she does the school a favor and stays there through the feast.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _to Sean_ ) don't you think you should apologize.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _uneasy_ ) I'm sure those girls were exaggerating and she's probably forgotten the whole thing ( _we hear Germione's cries from offstage._ )

 **Hairy Popper** : Right… ( _Sean looks really guilty_ , _but attention quickly turns to Professor Squirrel who runs on from the lobby_ )

 **Professor Squirrel** : _(at the top of his_ lungs) Troll! Troll in the dungeon! Thought you ought to know ( _faints at center stage_. _Massive pandemonium ensures as children are screaming and jumping up and down. During this time Hairy drags Sean off left_ ).

 **Headmaster Grey** : ( _standing up and getting loud. Silence is long and_ d}drawn _out_ ) Silence! Everyone remain calm. Now if I were irresponsible I would suggest that some of you older students escort the younger ones back to your clan dorms. However, there is a troll at loose and I will not do anything to endanger my students! Professors, if you will kindly come with me, we have a troll to deal with. Students, you will remain here with the doors sealed.

( _Headmaster and Professors exit towards the lobby as the lights begin to fade, curtain closes and the lights come up on the arch. Hairy and Sean enter as this is happening on down stage left curtain Downstage right is black but has a single chair with Germione on it and a Troll nearing her_ ) _._

 **Hairy Popper** : Hurry Sean, we have to warn her about the Troll.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _catching his breath_ ) Why should we even care Hairy? Its not like she's our friend.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _Germione screams as the lights come up on her and the_ Troll) We don't have time to argue over this! ( _He runs towards center and Sean follows_ ).

( _The troll drags it club to Germione and lifts it going for the swing. Germione ducks it and crawls between the Troll's legs_. _The troll is confused but eventually turns around. Germione sees the boys and gets behind them. The troll now slowly approaches them dragging its club. Hairy stands firm as the other two back away. The Troll grabs Hairy and throws him to the ground back towards The Troll then turns to Hair and walks towards him preparing to strike with the club_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _to Sean and_ Germione) A little help would really be appreciated about now.

 **Sean Weasel:** ( _panicking_ ) I don't know how.

 **Germione Ranger** : _(lightbulb goes off in the head_.) Use the spell Sean. The one we learned in Charms. Soarificus Windoso.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _Just as the troll is about to strike)_ Soarificus Windoso! ( _The club forces the troll's hand back in the air and then causes the troll to hit itself knocking it out_ )

 **Germione Ranger** : _(jumps up and hugs Sean as she says_ ) You did it! ( _realizes awkwardness of situation and lets him go right away. Both blush and look away_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _breaking the tension_ ) Yeah you did it. Thanks for the save mate. That club could have done a serious number on my hair.

 **Professor Cat Lady** : ( _rushing from DLC in followed by Jerqface who is limping, Grey, and Squirrel_ ): What is the meaning of this. Well explain yourselves. ( _Sean and Hairy begin to try and mumble excuses but are quickly interrupted by Germione_ )

 **Germione Ranger** : It's my fault professor. You see, I've read about Trolls and I thought I could handle it, so I came looking for it. If it hadn't been for Sean and Hairy, I'd probably be dead ( _boys are shocked_ )

 **Professor Cat Lady** : Be that as it may, I am severely disappointed in you Miss Ranger. 5 points will be taken from Flipping-Floor and you will serve a detention with me. As for you two, I hope you know how fortunate you are. Not many students could take on a fully-grown mountain troll and live to tell the tale. 5 points will be given to each of you, for sheer dumb luck. Please return to your dormitories immediately.

( _The trio begins walking towards DLC and the teachers and troll are blacked out so they can exit. The Trio stops at DLC for a brief conversation_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : Listen Germione, I um.. You see.. I wanted to apologize for the things I said earlier.

 **Germione Ranger** : I'm sorry too for acting like a know-it-all. Friends?

 **Sean and Hairy** : Friends! ( _all three exit and Grey peeks his head out from center curtain to address the audience_ )

 **Headmaster Grey** : And so our hero formed another invaluable friendship. It only took a near death experience with a troll to form it, but I digress. However, not everything was right with WartyHogs. For our three heroes, this meant their adventures were just beginning.

 **END OF SCENE 5 (optional intermission here)**

 **SCENE 6: EXTREME BROOMSTICK TRYOUTS**

( _curtains open revealing a wide open stage with two goals on opposite ends of the stage (stand with a golden hula-hoop faced up to look like a giant eye glass with no glass). There is a box upstage center with various balls in them. Some students are already on stage in gym clothes, with their broomsticks, chatting about the tryouts_ )

 **Ramus Binnigan** : ( _To Tommy Dean_ ) There's no way Coach can deny my skills. I'm gonna be the next star of the Flipping-Floor Broomstick team I am.

 **Tommy Dean** : ( _amused_ ) Calm down "superstar." Tryouts haven't even started yet. Besides, its clear that I'm the one coach is gonna make captain! ( _they start wrestling and messing around with one other. Standing on a corner of the stage Mako Dalfoy and his goons look on in disgust_.)

 **Mako Dalfoy** : ( _To Crabby and Ogoyle_ ) Look at those buffoons boast their skills and wrestle about. No sense of decorum whatsoever. I don't need to act like an ape to prove I'm talented. Father ensured I received first class instruction in Extreme Broomstick, so I have no doubt that I will obliterate the competition. How do you two think you will fair?

 **Crabby:** Better than those dunderheads for sure.

 **Ogoyle:** Ogoyle smash ( _stomps on the ground and flexes his muscles as he looks towards the competition, Mako and Crabby share an amused glance_ ).

 **Coach Hawk** ( _entering from off left with a broomstick in hand and a bag full of equipment, the latter of which he tosses up stage_ ) Alright you worthless excuses for Wizards. You weak-minded, sissy boys. You pathetic, scrawny wimps. You, book-loving, nerdy, wastes of space… LINE UP! ( _everyone quickly does so and Coach walks down the line examining them_ , _commenting and grumbling down the line as he/she goes_ _at the end of the line Coach turns and speaks_.) You lot are without a doubt the worst group of recruits I've ever laid my hawk eyes on! By the time I'm done with you, your either going to be in the best shape of your miserable lives, gone home crying to mommy, or dead! Now… ( _breaks out in song_ _and pose_ ) "Lets Get down to Business"… _(Sean and Hairy rush on late again interrupting the Coach_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : Wait for us! Sorry were late Coach, you see…

 **Coach Hawk:** ( _interrupting and full of rage_ ) Do you boys realize what you just did… ( _boys shake their heads and look down but coach grabs their chins and looks into their eyes and screams_ ) YOU THROUGH OFF MY GROOVE AND INTERRUPTED THESE TRYOUTS! Fall in line boys ( _they do so_ ). Extreme Broomsticks is a team sport. When one player doesn't do their job right, the rest of the team will suffer for it. To get that message in your thick skulls, you all can drop and give me pushups until I'm tired of watching, curtsey of your late friends. _(students groan_ ) DROP! ( _students do so and Coach begins to inspect them_. _Mako begins berating Hairy_ )

 **Mako Dalfoy** : ( _while doing Pushups_ ) Thanks a lot Popper. You and your pet Weasel can't do anything right can you?

 **Hairy Popper:** ( _while doing Pushups_ ) I'm not in the mood Mako, so keep your fat mouth shut. **  
**  
**Mako Dalfoy** : ( _enraged but still doing Pushups_ ) Don't you dare speak to your betters like that Popper!

 **Sean Weasel** ( _stifling a laugh but still doing pushups_ ) Betters? We're going to wipe the floor with you Dalfoy and then we will see who is whose better!

 **Mako Dalfoy** : ( _smirking and doing pushups_ ) Is that so? Sorry to disappoint you Weasel, but neither of you stand a chance!

 **Coach Hawk** : ( _blows his/her whistle_ ) That's enough! ( _students collapse exhausted_ ) Is that all you got ladies? Well it better not be, because we're just getting started. ( _one or two extra students run off left crying and coach yells after them_ ) And don't come back! Everyone up and pay attention ( _everyone gets up_ ). I'm going to organize you into teams and positions to asses your skills, meager as they may be. There will be no griping about positions and you will all give 110%! Do I make myself clear?

 **Students:** Yes Coach Hawk ( _unenthusiastically_ ).

 **Coach Hawk** : What was that ( _annoyed and angry_ )!

 **Students:** Yes Coach Hawk sir/mam ( _loudly_ )!

 **Coach Hawk:** Good. Dalfoy, Ogoyle, Crabby, and whatever your name is ( _random student_ ) you're a team. Popper, Weasel, Binnigan, and Dean, you're the other team. The rest of you can clear off. ( _students leave disappointed as the teams gravitate towards one another. Coach meanwhile grabs the equipment bag and then comes back_ ) Dean and Whatshisname will play offense ( _shows them a red ball_ ), Binnigan and Ogoyle will play bat whacker _(hands them 2 plastic bats_ ), Weasel and Crabby will defend the hoop _(points to hoops_ ), and Popper and Dalfoy will track the flying golden ball that when caught ends the game and makes your team win, regardless of everything else _(shows them the flying Golden ball, which someone dressed in black runs on grabs and pretends to make it be flying and runs off stage with it off right_.) Take your positions and everyone on your brooms! ( _everyone gets into position_ ) Ready and…

( _Coach tosses the red ball in the air signaling the start of the game. Choreography for the game is at the discretion of the director. The game should follow this basic structure though. Crabby gets the ball first and with Ogoyle whacking everyone in his way, Crabby scores easily. Hairy's team should be getting crushed_. _Hairy and Dalfoy zoom around the stage looking for the golden ball, which remains off stage for a while and they both eventually exit off stage right. One of Hairy's teammates may even get knocked off course eventually by Ogoyle's bat and crash off stage. When things are looking Grim the flying golden ball should appear from down stage right curtain with Mako and Hairy following it in that order. Snitch goes towards stage left and then to up stage left to up stage center and then starts heading down stage. At the heading down stage point Mako and Hairy are neck and neck going for it in slow motion, with the players divided and watching on each side. They both reach out for it and Hairy barely manages to snag it, immediately sending both players back to fast motion, and causing the black clothed actor who carried the ball to exit. )_

 **Coach Hawk** : ( _blows whistle)_ That's a catch! Popper's team wins. ( _Popper's teammates surround him and_ celebrate) Alright that's enough. Hit the showers ladies. The results of today's tryouts will be posted around the school in a few days. ( _Coach exits offstage left with Ramus Tommy, Sean, Crabby, and Ogoyle. Hairy stays behind brushing his hair with a hairbrush he had on his person and Dalfoy, who seemed to be exiting, turns around and speak to Hairy_ )

 **Mako Dalfoy** : Think your something special popper? Your victory was nothing but a lucky fluke. I doubt you'd ever beat me again, not that your man enough to try.

 **Hairy Popper** : Man enough? I'll beat you anytime, any place, and in anything!

 **Mako Dalfoy** : ( _smirking_ ) If that's the case, I challenge you to a Wizard's duel, tomorrow at midnight, in the trophy room on the third floor corridor.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _hesitant_ ) But that's after curfew… No it's not worth getting in trouble. ( _starts to walk away_ )

 **Mako Dalfoy** : Chicken Popper?

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _stops_ _and turns around in a Back to the Future Style_ ): Nobody calls me chicken Dalfoy… Nobody! I'll see you at midnight Dalfoy. ( _Popper Walks off_ )

 **Mako Dalfoy** : ( _too himself_ ) So easy to manipulate Popper. ( _Walks off after Popper laughing as lights go black and curtains close_ )

 **END OF SCENE 6**

 **SCENE 7: SECRETS REVEALED AND MORE SECRETS TO UNCOVER**

( _lights come up on the greenroom entrance, which Hairy, Sean, and Germione come out of to dim stage lights with a blue light on_. _Meanwhile, behind the curtain the set is being cleared to an empty stage, with just a Trap Door and a giant three-headed dog guarding it._

 **Germione Ranger** : ( _tugging on Hairy's arm to stop them as they end up_ dlc) I still can't believe you let Mako Dalfoy talk you into a Wizard's duel, much less after curfew! Imagine the consequences if we get caught. This will go on our permanent records and I'll never graduate with honors and become the first Witch President…

 **Sean Weasel** : Germione stop freaking out. We're not going to get caught, and Hairy has to defend his honor. Besides, no one is forcing you to tag along.

 **Germione Ranger** : I know but… I couldn't leave you two to go off on your own, especially if Mako Dalfoy's involved. You may have noticed that I don't have that many friends… well honestly you two are my only friends and I'm not going to lose you!

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _touched by her words. Gives her shoulder a reassuring grasp_ ) Thanks Germione. That means a lot. I promise we will be careful. Now lets go. The trophy room is just up ahead. ( _they walk to center stage and stop looking around for Dalfoy_ ) It's past midnight. Dalfoy should be here by now.

 **Sean Weasel** : Maybe he chickened out? Dalfoy's all talk and no action so it makes sense doesn't it?

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _sighs_ ) I guess your right. Lets get back to the common room. ( _They start to head back to the green room but stop right away when they hear voices from offstage in that direction_ )

 **Professor Little** : ( _from off stage green room_ ) I believe young Dalfoy said he overheard Mr. Popper would be setting off a prank in the trophy room up ahead, but its so dark I doubt I'll be able to spot them.

 **Coach Hawk** : ( _from off stage green room_ ) These hawk eyes have never let me down Professor. If Popper's in the next room I'll see him.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _panicking)_ Professor Little and Coach Hawk are coming. We're doomed!

 **Germione Ranger** : ( _whispering and calming down Sean_ ) Not yet we're not. There is an alternate route through the other side of the room. ( _They start to head towards drc but stop when they hear voices from offstage there_ )

 **Professor Jerqface** : ( _from offstage drc_ ): Come along Professor Squirrel. Popper's in the next room, and I won't let your late night wandering stop me from punishing the little brat. ( _Sean moans like a little girl_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _grabs Sean with both hand and brings him close_ ) Pull yourself together man! ( _Hairy turns back and looks at the center curtain_ , _realizing it is a door_ ) Through there you two! ( _the three run to the center curtain trying to open it, but it wont budge_ ). It's locked!

 **Germione Ranger** : ( _annoyed and pulling out her wand_ ) Well do we have magic or don't we? ( _she points her wand at the curtain and says_ ) Sesimia Opena. ( _the curtains open a tiny bit, allowing the three to enter. Germione and Hairy push Sean in and enter backwards closing the curtain, just as the teachers rush on from opposite sides of the stage_ )

 **Professor Jerqface** : ( _rushing to Center, followed by Squirrel_ ) Where are you Popper! I know you're in here.

 **Professor Hawk** : (Walking to center followed by Little) I assure you Professor Jerqface that he is not here. If he was, no doubt I would spot him.

 **Professor Squirrel** : (stuttering) Perhaps we've been p…p..p… pran… pranked.

 **Professor Little** : Indeed! It is no secret that young Mr. Dalfoy and Mr. Popper are not found of each other. It is likely that Mr. Dalfoy simply wanted to get Mr. Popper in trouble. I shall leave his punishment to you Professor Jerqface, as he is in your house. As for me, I'd like to get back to sleep. _(exits followed by Hawk, while Squirrel tries to sneak away the other direction.)_

 **Coach Hawk** : Right behind you Professor Little. These eyes need resting.

 **Professor Jerqface** : ( _speaking in a general direction_ ) You may have the others fooled Popper, but I know your skulking around somewhere. You're just as bad you're no good father. ( _Turns to Squirrel who is almost to drc)_. And as for you, don't think I don't know what your up to Squirrel. ( _walks him up against the wall at drc)_ If you continue to refuse to confide in me well… accidents do tend to happen at WartyHogs don't they? ( _Stares him down for a moment and sneers then exiting_. _Professor Squirrel takes a deep breath and then follows him out drc. Hairy sticks his head out of center curtain in a high spot, while Germione does it in a low area)._

 **Hairy Popper** : That was way too close a call. I can't believe that Dalfoy tried to set us up like that.

 **Germione Ranger** : Never mind about Mako. Did you hear Professor Jerqface's confrontation with Professor Squirrel? Jerqface clearly wants something.

 **Hairy Popper** : But the question is what?

 **Sean Weasel:** ( _Sean has been moaning/squealing in fear during this short conversation between Hairy and Germione_. _from behind the curtain still and in fear voice trembling_ ) Um guys. You might want to turn around now… ( _curtains slowly open as they turn revealing a dragon guarding a trap door_ )

 **All Three** : DRAGON! _(The three of them scream and start running around the arch trying to avoid the dragon and get the center curtains to shut_ ).

 **Hairy Popper** : These things won't shut!

 **Sean Weasel** : We're done for!

 **Germione Ranger** : Ughhh Boys… Oi you back there, yes you there sitting backstage. ( _to backstage_.) Shut the bloody curtains before we become a meal! _(curtains shut and the three meet back at center_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _collapsing to the floor_ ) Bless you Germione. Bless you and that giant thing in your head you call a brain.

 **Hairy Popper** : (running to Sean to help him) Sean! Are you ok mate?

 **Germoine Ranger** : Oh he'll be fine.. Did either of you notice what that thing was standing on? Well I did! It was standing on a trapdoor and I bet that whatever is under that door is what Jerqface is after. ( _boys are about to speak but she stops them with a hand to the face_ ) Now I don't know about you. But I'm heading back to bed before either of you get anymore bright ideas that could get us killed, or worse expelled! ( _she exits to the green room_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : Or worse expelled? She really needs to get her priorities straight.

Hairy Popper: Right you are Sean, but I think she's on to something about Professor Jerqface. Lets get out of here (t _hey both exit to the greenroom as lights go black_ )

 **END OF SCENE 7**

 **SCENE 8: CHRISTMAS TIME AT WARTYHOGS**

( _Christmas music plays in the background as. Something like we three kings.)_

 **Professor Grey** : ( _he enters from right strolling to center humming along to the tune, and he then notices the audience and addresses them from center in a spotlight as we have some minor lighting on the action going on around him_ ) Sorry for my rudeness and not noticing you all straight away. I do seem to get caught up in the spirit of things this time of year. I daresay many years ago there was this one Yule evening where Professor Jerqface and I were quite red in the face from drinking far too much um what was it… Eggnog. yes that's it. Anyway, It was then that we decided to engage in a game of… ( _loud abrupt clearing of throat from Professor Cat Lady who was walking by_ ) Right then, now may not be the best time. Getting back to our story now, after their dangerous encounter with the vicious Professor Jerqface…err dragon, our golden trio began investigating what could possibly be hidden under the trap door. Sadly, they had no luck up to this point. Miss Ranger decided to depart the castle for the Christmas holidays, leaving our strapping gentlemen heroes behind. ( _curtains open revealing boy's dormitory with Tremble, Ramus, Tommy, Sean, and Hairy all awake opening presents_ ) We now join them and their roommates on this delightful Christmas morning ( _Grey continues left and exits to dlc_ )

 **Ramus Binnigan** : ( _opening up a gift_ ) Blimey, seriously good haul this year mates. Oi, Tommy, thanks for this uh, what do you call it again?

 **Tommy Dean** : ( _sighing_ ) It's called a football (soccer ball) and it's used to play a very popular sport in the non-magical world.

 **Ramus Binnigan** : Whatever you say Tommy. Personally I think it's barmy that a whole bunch of people get a kick out of seeing a ball kicked around on the ground all day. It's hardly even a real sport ( _Tommy starts to heat up and Tremble intervenes and changes the subject as he sees Harry opening up a gift_ )

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : Hey, it looks like Hairy's about to open something up guys. What you get Hairy?

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _pulls out magic beans and various wizard cards (think Pokémon cards) to show people)_ Um Some magic beans and some wizard cards from Sean.

 **Sean Wease** : Have fun but be careful with those beans mate. Each one makes you do the most random and strange things. Anything can happen, and I do mean anything.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _shrugs and lifts one high in the air_ ) Down the hatch it goes. ( _nothing happens at first but Hairy Popper suddenly stands up and does 15 – 20 seconds of [insert musical number and dance of your choice])_

 **Everyone Else** : _(applauds and ad libs after he finishes with a big finish_ ) well done. Brilliant! Are you a dance major? Etc.

 **Hairy Popper** : (bowing) Thank you thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Now onto the wizard cards. ( _picks up a few of them_ ) Hey I got Headmaster Grey!

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : Everyone who collects wizard cards has a few of him Hairy.

 **Sean Weasel** : Yeah and lets not change the subject away from your mad dancing skills. From now on we shall refer to Hairy as the "boy who pranced" ( _other laugh as Hairy blushes until Sean's stomach growls'_ ) and me as the boy who wants his Christmas pudding. TO THE DINING HALL! ( _leads a charge with the other running after. Hairy trips over trying to follow them still disoriented from his dance number and notices one more gift for him_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _trips and checks hair to make sure its alright_ ) Ow. At least my hair is fine. Hey, looks like I have another gift to open. ( _he opens the gift to reveal a bathrobe and a note. He reads the note_ ) Sweet a new bathrobe! Looks like someone left a note. "Your father left this in my possession before he died and its time I return it to you. Use it well." Sincerely, someone other than professor Grey." ( _picks up robe and looks at it admiringly_ ) Seems I get my great sense of style from my dad. Might as well try it on. ( _he puts it on and strikes a few poses as Sean runs in_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _from offstage running on as he says this_ ) Hey Hairy! Are you coming or what? ( _looks around confused_ ) Hairy? Where are you mate ( _he says this in front of Hairy who is confused as well_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _jabs Sean in the back_ ) I'm right here Sean.

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _spins around and reacts scared_ ) Whaaat? Who said that? Hairy?

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _yelling in his ear now_ ) Helloooooo!

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _falls to the ground and clutches his chest_ ) Oi this isn't funny Hairy show yourself you prat.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _to himself_ ) He really can't see me. ( _to Sean_ ) Um Sean, are their such things as bathrobes of invisibility?

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _looking in Hairy's general direction_ ) Of course there are Hairy. Everyone knows that. But they're incredibly rare.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _big reveal as he takes it off_ ) Well look what I got for Christmas!

 **Sean Weasel** : Woaaaah. That's really lucky mate. Think of all the epic pranks we can pull against Mako now! Who gave it to you?

 **Hairy Popper:** It didn't say anything except that it wasn't from headmaster Grey.

 **Sean Weasel** : Bummer...

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _lightbulbs coming on_ ) wait a minute! Someone other than Headmaster Grey… I still haven't finished looking at my wizard card of Headmaster Grey ( _doh moment_ ).

Sean Weasel: Right you are ( _nodding head in agreement)_!

 **Hairy Popper** : It says that Headmaster grey is largely considered to be the most powerful sorcerer of all time and is known for hiding stones of invincibility in forbidden third floor corridors! That must be what that dragon is guarding and I bet that Jerqface is after it.

 **Sean Weasel** : This is really fascinating stuff Hairy… but I still haven't eaten breakfast yet. Can we play detective after we eat?

 **Hairy Popper** : Ok Sean. But if Jerqface gets that stone I'm blaming you and that stomach of yours. ( _boys march off stage ending the scene_ )

 **END OF SCENE 8**

 **SCENE 9: PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER**

( _curtains are closed and Headmaster Grey walks on to speak. Meanwhile the stage is getting set to the great hall)_

 **Grey:** ( _walks through center curtain_ ): As fast as the Yule season came, it departed in an equally fast manner. The start of the spring term brought our golden trio back together and the boys quickly relayed their findings Miss Ranger. However, she astutely pointed out that they had yet to determine a motive, and so the trio continued their investigations. It was not until one beautiful spring day in May that they would have their next breakthrough… and I a relaxing day at the spa ( _grey exits as curtains open revealing students at tables chatting and a few professors at the head table, excluding Grey who is absent at his spa day_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : ( _entering with the trio as they find seats at the flipping floor table_ ) I swear the professors are purposely torturing us with all these extra "revision" assignments. It's not right!

 **Germione Ranger** : Nonsense Sean. Final Exams are in a few weeks ( _boys groan_ ) and the professors just want us to do our best. ( _Professor Cat lady rises and prepares to address crowd_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : Don't you think they could help us do our best without killing our social lives…

 **Hairy Popper** : Stop arguing like an old married couple and pay attention you two. It looks like Professor Cat Lady is going to say something. ( _students pay attention and Cat Lady begins_ )

 **Professor Cat Lady** : Attention Students. It is my duty to inform you that Headmaster Grey will be away from the school today… on a personal holiday… and as such will be unavailable to deal with any squabbles related to the school. Please bring all maters to myself and I will try to resolve your issues. ( _Professor Squirrel immediately exits_ _students resume discussion with one another and some gossip about this latest news_ )

 **Sean Weasel** : What do you reckon Headmaster Grey is doing?

 **Germione Ranger** : I don't know, but this would seem like the perfect day for Jerqface to steal the… (she notices Jerqface l _eaving and she whispers to the boys_ ) Look! He's sneaking out the great hall. He may be after the stone this very moment.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _standing_ up) We have to follow him. Let go. ( _they casually follow the professors out_ )

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : ( _to Ramus and Tommy_ ) What do you reckon those three are up to?

 **Ramus** : ( _said to Tremble and more importantly_ Tommy.)Whatever it is, they're probably not going to play football ( _Tommy immediately tackles Ramus to the ground as curtain closes and the hall descends into chaos. Lights immediately shift to the arch as Squirrel and enter from down right curtain and heads towards center curtain looking behind himself every now and then_ )

 **Professor Jerqface** : ( _enters from center curtain blocking his path and shocking Squirrel_ ) Going somewhere?

 **Professor Squirrel** : ( _in his normal stuttering dialect_ ) Ah, P.. P… P… Professor Jerqface I was just ch che checking on the protections. With the headmaster gone it would be an ideal time for the stone to be stolen.

 **Professor Jerqface** : Indeed. Lets stop playing games then shall we. We both know what you are doing here Squirrel but what I cant fathom is why a spineless oaf like you would continue to stand against me.

 **Professor Squirrel** : ( _in his normal stuttering dialect_ ) I have no idea what you mean Jerqface.

 **Professor Jerqface** : Allow me to elaborate for you then nut! If I catch you on this corridor again you will have one of those "accidents" I mentioned during our last confrontation. Now leave and never return.

 **Professor Squirrel** : Of Course Professor Jerqface. I I I um yes ( _and he rushes off back where he came from_. _Jerqface snears and follows him offstage. The three slowly enter from dlc_ )

 **Hairy Popper** : Did you guys hear that?

 **Sean Weasel** : We sure did mate.

 **Germione Ranger** : Clearly this can only mean one thing.

 **Hairy Popper** : That's right Germione, Professor Jerqface was trying to steal the stone but heard Professor Squirrel sneaking up behind him to try and spoil his fiendish plan.

 **Sean Weasel** : Too bad he's such a wimp. No way will he continue to stand up to Jerqface.

 **Germione Ranger** : I bet Jerqface comes back and tries to steal the stone tonight!

 **Sean Weasel** : What are we going to do about it? We're just a bunch of freshman way in over our heads.

 **Hairy Popper** : For now, we go back to our dorm rooms and rest up. Tonight, we stop Jerqface. For he may take our lives, but he will never take our freedom! ( _the others cheer and they exit and scene goes black._ )

 **END OF SCENE 9**

 **SCENE 10: CATCHING THE SQUIREL  
**

( _The lights come in dimmer with a blue to show nighttime and the curtains are still closed. Tremble Bottomlong is on stage pacing back and forth and talking to himself_ )

 **Tremble Bottomlong** : You can do this Tremble. I know there your friends but if they are up to something then they could be in danger and get hurt. So really it's my obligation as a friend to stop them. Yeah that's it. Ok I think I'm ready. ( _The three walk on from drc_ ) Hey you three stay where you…

 **Germione Ranger** : ( _interrupting him and pointing her wand at him_ ) Statuefy ( _this causes him to freeze in place_ ) Well that was easy. Shall we continue?

 **Sean Weasel** : You know you can be way too scary for your own good Germione.

 **Germione Ranger** : Something you should keep in mind if you ever decide to verbally abuse me over the next few years at this school to somehow gain my affection. Not that I, or anyone in their right mind, would ever reward such behavior with that response. But now we are getting off topic here.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _they are now in front of the curtains where the dragon lies behind_ ) Ok guys, the dragon and likely other unimaginable obstacles are just beyond this door. If you want to turn back I wont hold it against you.

 **Germione Ranger** ( _Sean starts to sneak off but Germione grabs him_ ): No way Hairy, we are with you to the end.

 **Sean Weasel** : Uh yeah. Go team!

 **Hairy Popper** : Then lets do this. Chaaaaaarge. ( _They rush through the curtains and we hear the sounds of a fight going on behind them_. _Headmaster Grey then comes out of the side curtain_ )

 **Headmaster Grey** : The three had a valiant battle against the dragon and would come across many other obstacles. Each method they used even more spectacular than the one before. It was as epic as Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, and a third cool thing combined. Unfortunately it is far too graphic to show, and definitely has nothing to do with a lazy writer trying to finish his show. Needless to say, Sean fell pray to a vicious giant spider. Yes, he died. I told you it was graphic. At this point Germione decided to go back and get help while Hairy went on ahead. What he found in front of him would shock him to his core ( _he exits as curtains open revealing a mirror in the center of the stage and Professor Squirrel)_

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _entering from stage right_ ): Freeze Professor Jerqface… whaaaat?

 **Professor Squirrel** : ( _turns to face him and without stutter_ ): He does seem the type doesn't it. Who would ever suspect poor innocent professor Squirrel ( _fake stutter used for this last line and he follows with an evil laugh_ ). Professor Jerqface has spent all year trying to protect you dear boy, and keeping an annoying eye on me. Especially, after I let that Troll in on Halloween.

 **Hairy Popper:** You let the troll in on Halloween, Jerqface was trying to protect me.

 **Professor Squirrel** : Yes… Now silence ( _snaps his finger and Hairy cant speak anymore_. _Professor turns back to the mirror_ ) I see myself with the stone, riches, and immortality, but why can't I get it. Perhaps…. ( _turns to Hairy Popper_ ) Come here Popper now! What do you see in the mirror.

 **Hairy Popper** : ( _looks into the mirror and sees himself wink at him and pull the stone out of his pocket and then use it on Squirrel to turn him to gold. Then he sees it be put back into his pocket and Hairy feels something heavy drop into his pocket._ )

 **Professor Squirrel** : Well what do you see!

 **Hairy Popper** : Allow me to show you. ( _Hairy pulls out the stone and points it towards Professor Squirrel_ ) Goldify! ( _Professor Squirrel clutches his chest and runs offstage screaming that he is being turned to a gold statue. Hairy addresses the audience_ ). Piece of cake. To tell you guys the truth I half expected Moldyshorts to have possessed the professor or something, but I guess he really did die all those years ago when I was baby, making the prologue kind of pointless. Well… See ya! ( _Hairy exits the stage as Headmaster Grey follows on from the opposite side to address the audience_ )

 **Headmaster Grey** : There you have it folks. The true story of what happened. Flipping-floor would go on to win the House Cup and Hairy and Germione would enjoy many normal years as school children. Eventually the two of them would get married and have a nice family. Though they would have to take out a restraining order against Sean's sister Stalker Weasel who refused to leave Hairy alone. Now if you will all excuse me, I have some affairs I need to take care of. Have a good afternoon and a safe ride home. _He exits as lights fade to black_

 **THE END**


End file.
